The Watermelon Gang (the story begins)

Chapter 1 / by David Rutter

The deepening summer of 1927 eased on toward sunset.

Nothing much unusual about it. Hot. Steamy and baked on some days. A million summers before it had done the same thing.

All lazy and quiet except for the occasional swarm of bees humming and the clanging of a back screen door being slammed enthusiastically against its hinges to note the flight of a child. The young human gazelles would leap the steps in full gallop, land with a balanced oomph in the grass and never break stride.

It was summer in town.

There was never enough time or inclination to be careful, but that never stopped moms. “Be careful,” moms yelped from their kitchen’s screen door and, just as the young gazelles had for a million years, none heard the call to caution. Careful? Not enough time. Not nearly enough. Had to run. Had to go. Must fly. “Be back later, mom,” they yelled over their shoulders.

Summer breathed with deep sighs. Summers were good. When summer winds seemed to breathe a gentle whisper, not seeking your attention but just gently inhaling life.

Corn ripened in the fields as they had for a hundred years. Baseball was being played. Tellers at the State Bank made change carefully and took deposits. No one hardly ever took money out of the state bank on the main drag.

For adults, summer was too hot for them to be loud. Nobody raised their voice much unless it was mother yelling from the porch that dinner was ready. That usually was near the cusp of daylight when a hint of cool tiptoed into town. At dusk, the world seemed to inhale gently and then exhale a cool breeze that announced the coming evening.

Breezes are the earth breathing.

Leaves fluttered, almost tsk-tsking that they had survived another summer day and would spread out before the dark sky and relax until the dawn came again.

The life of a small town breathes with the same gentle rhythm of the giant trees that sway over the house tops.

Quiet.

Quieter.

And then the evenings when it was so still that only the breeze interrupts the town’s slumber.

This, then, was the Cynthiana, Indiana, of 1927.

If quiet defined the town, trees often defined the town’s quiet.

The trees of Cynthiana were not merely biological adornment. They were part of the population, and they held their stately place in line. Four hundred humans. Two thousand trees, some which had existed on this exact spec of land where American settlers had come 50 years before the Blue and Gray ran the country red. They had offered shade before that to the Chippewa.

If places are important because important people live there or because important events occur there, then there was nothing important about Cynthiana. But the place possessed a definable personality, and the town’s dimensions had nothing to do with it.

It was quiet except for the bark and chug of Model T’s, but it never seemed small. And no one who ever lived there could deny it. It was a place where a man and a woman could stretch out and build a family without interruption or interference. No need to shove or push. Plenty of room.

It was a place where you could breathe without feeling you were breathing someone else’s left over air.

It was a universe of sublime, undemanding summers where the trees – mostly towering maples and oaks – also sighed wistfully in their own turn asthey waited for autumn’s approach. The breeze often was unseen and unfelt nearer the ground, but 40 feet aloft there were eddies and whispers of air that touched the leaves and made them hiss softly. It seemed almost a blush of embarrassment.

The trees and branches and sprigs had their own palette of emotions. It was musical. The rustling of summer leaves weaving and dancing high above every corner and plot in town would shrug as if to admit that summer was ending, but it wasn’t their fault.

They would hold to it as long as they could.

All that summer, nothing much happened in a place where nothing much ever happened, and that was exactly what made it the most perfect time of all. The most perfect place of all. The Depression had not yet come, nor the war that would follow.

In this moment and place of summer perfection, John Rutter was as troubled as he ever got, which is to say he rubbed his chin in slow, pensive thought and decided that, yes, he was of a mind to finish business on one issue. He hardly ever left leave business undone. But the method? That had eluded him for weeks. But the law was immutable, and it must be served.

The town constable darkened the front screen door. He was a round, low man who sweated enough that his semi-official uniform of office was seldom dry after Memorial Day. The dark, wet stain seemed to arch from his underarm all the way across the bridge of his back and then down to the belt of his pants. His sweat circumnavigated his attire.

Jewell F. Sprinkard had a pinched, unhappy, wretched and thoroughly constipated look on his face, and John Rutter figured he knew why. He’d seen it before. He’d come to expect it. John would stifle a grin as good as any man could, and he did so now.

None knew what the “F” stood for, or had ever asked. It would have seemed rude.

“Same thing as before?” John asked as he stepped out on the porch and brought a glass of ice tea for the constable.

“Yep,” the constable said, and then paused for the grand effect that was his custom.

“Watermelons.”

“Watermelons,” John said with a weary sigh. “Well, how much this time?”

“ ’Bout a buck fifty ,” the constable said.

“More than last time.” John Rutter ever cussed within earshot of his wife, or anybody’s wife. But this moment seemed to call for it. “Son-of-a-BITCH.”

“Yep. Reckon so,” the gendarme said without any rancor or emotion of any sort, for he had no resentment about the affair. It gave him a regular opportunity to stop by

John’s tidy gingerbread palace where Pearl always had lemonade at the ready. So John and the constable would sit on the porch, discuss the universe and assess the role of crime in their lives.

On July 13, 1927, the going price for crime in Cynthiana, Indiana, (pop. 400 Baptists asd Methodists plus a smattering of Petecostals give or take a few) was about those six quarters which John had fished from his metallic lock box in the upstairs office of the blue and white ginger bread Victorian home and had stashed in a drawing room desk. He always had six quarters in that parlor desk, held at the ready for such occasions.

It wasn’t that this particular crime had produced six quarters in loot for the miscreant.

Through custom and experience, it appeared that six quarters was more or less the upper end of the standard price. It was a cumulative total for the last month, which made it a fair bargain.

In fact, the price – which seemed to be a regular rotating bail for the offense – was pre-arranged between John and the constable because it made such transactions more orderly and possessed an added benefit. John would not have to explain the matter to Pearl, and the constable would not need to note the transaction in any official ledger of criminal deeds. Mischief could be accommodated gently.

The issue at hand was not only Fred Arthur Ratter’s desire for watermelons but more fundamentally that none of his three best male friends – The Watermelon Gang they had named themselves proudly – possessed a father with the financial and moral solidity plus the intellectual balance to address such matters. At least they could not deal with such matters without erupting into some crimson-jowled, vein-bulging tirade.

Fiery fatherhood was the custom of most American males in 1927. John had never struck his children in all his years of fatherhood and never would. It was simply not in his soul to do such a thing, for violence required levels of frustration and disrespect he did not have. John was a calm man. A funny man if you listened carefully. A smart man. His anger, when it came, was mostly a sad reaction to vanities that occasionally intruded here in Cynthiana.

It took a lot for the outside to intrude here. It took extra effort for the outside world to even know “here” existed.

Cynthiana was not a place for crime sprees. Or for any crime of much note. And hardly ever for sprees. There had been the usual cow tippings and outhouse crossings. But the only recent social excitement of note had been Beulah LeMay, the church organist who ran off to California with a traveling piano player and left her husband beached and dismayed. It was not merely that she left her husband, or that she fled to California, a place Cynthianians read about only in movie magazines. No, it was that she skipped town with an itinerant piano player. The town gasped, and it hardly ever gasped.

But once it gasped, Cynthiana and the people and trees that lived there quickly went back to breathing in a more regular, measured way.

No use making Mister LeMay feel worse about it.

So when crime occurred, it was some cause for reflection though no one would run from house to house announcing that crime had occurred. After all, the town was modern. There were telephone partylines to pass along such news. There was the “Cynthiana Argus”,  the hometown newspaper that came out every few weeks or whenever the editor could arrange all the ads and news in an orderly and timely manner.

Further public fulminations about the LeMay Matter would seem unmannerly. Plus, it was bad manners.

When the constable had first relayed the news of Fred Arthur Rutter’s crime spree to his father, John thought at length about the issue and what he should do. He came eventually to decide not to respond with punishment.

Temperance was a more natural response for him even though he was a Methodist. His religious affiliation was more a matter of genetics, like being tall or having hazel eyes. Being a Methodist was not a statement of oral philosophy. It was fate.

If you had insisted on talking with John about religion,  it would jot have been clear that John had wanted to be a Methodist. There had not seemed much choice about it.

Pearl had not pressed him deeply about his ultimate religious preferences in advance of their marriage. He and his family had always attended the Methodist church, as did Pearl and her family. Her preferences were deeper and clear enough. John had no reason to debate her preferred pathway to the hereafter.

He acquiesced because one religion was as good as another to him. He was at least glad they weren’t Baptists or Holy Rollers. He feared he would ever have the energy for either.

Religion was a social function that had ever energized his soul.

So he was a Methodist, too, the same way some people are Kiwanians or Masons as a condition of their social and sociable duty.

John worried most about Fred Arthur – just plain Fred to his friends and almost everyone else in the universe – because of all the Rutters, they seemed most alike. That was both good and bad for both of them. It was a special gift that a son can give a father to be enough alike that the father could anticipate who his son might become.

And exult in the possibility. It was a hopeful relationship.

But it also was a special burden because nothing such a son might do would be a surprise to a father, particularly a father keenly aware of his own youthful failures.

The father might be appalled but not surprised.

To John’s way of thinking, and related to this particular event, this meant that John knew how time and the events attached to time would move so agonizingly slow for Fred. It was that appreciation for his son’s temperament that drove John to patience.

Though perfectly temperate for most, Cynthiana was social molasses to those with a taste for faster-moving entertainments. Most people who lived there did not sense this slow-motion migration through existence, but for those few who had lived elsewhere, the sheltered nature of Cynthiana was perfectly obvious.

Though John had lived his life in Cynthiana, he had seen some of the world, too. He had been a “letter thrower’ in the railroad postal cars that raced down the Chicago and Eastern Illinois Railroad lines. Up from Evansville, and then eventually in both directions for hundreds of miles. He could sail a letter marked “Cleveland” or “Chillicothe”” or “Cucamonga” 10 feet across the open expanse of the rail car’s main compartment to the exact mail slot in the massive, wooden receptacle that faced him.

All the while the C&EI postal car was sailing along at 60 miles per hour behind a high-stepping steam engine and just ahead of shiny passenger cars. The entire conveyance was rocking like a drunken horse at full gallop.

And though he became a rural carrier – with an elderly Dodge sedan for transport instead of a roaring steam engine — when family life summoned, he knew what it felt like to have the highway wink at a man and say, “Come here, handsome.”
He knew Fred would feel the lure of that wink.

Thus, if this was to be the worst Fred Arthur could achieve to counter the slow motion drip, drip, drip of life in Cynthiana, it seemed a good bargain, at least in the short term.

And so, he decided to keep the peace secure, and hold the matter entirely to himself unless, or perhaps until, sometime in the future when Fred Arthur Rutter committed some transgression that WOULD require intercession.

John had no clear idea of what circumstance might occur that would force his hand, but neither was he totally sure that such an event could not occur. The cosmos rolls the dice. Better to be prepared when your children are concerned. Yes, especially with Fred Arthur.

John was a man of simple means and a temperate heart. He ran a household of books and music. Fred learned the perils of Tom Swift and the joys of the trombone. John did such service to all his children because that is what a father does.

But he knew the limits of his universe. He could not give the world to his son for that was beyond his means, but he could give him room to flex his soul and stand on his tiptoes to look out into the world. Until the time came when Fred could no longer endure the molasses life of Cynthiana and would need other places. Those times were to come. He was sure of it.

His other children were of no great concern on this particular count. Elder son Walter would be a lawyer or a minister or hardware store owner or some such thing, John figured, and unlikely to ever get in much trouble or even think about the topic. Being a person of rational calculations, Walter would be a success in life. He would make money. That, John knew, was without question and it made him sigh. It made Walter’s horizons as comfortable as a pair of old Florsheim wingtips and just as uninteresting.

The youngest, Lois, was a spritely charmer with a deft, exceptional touch at the piano. She would be an artist and would have to marry a smart man, or one at least nearly as smart as she was. She would find no happiness with a man who failed her respect. And he would have to earn that devotion with his mind as well as his heart. It would be a shallow pool into which to dip her seine.

But Fred, as John often told Pearl but without embellishment of the relevant supporting facts, was a whole other kettle of fish. Fred was often the family’s “whole other kettle of fish” on issues related to school, religion and manners.

He was as good at all three regimes as the times and tasks required of him. But he was the one who decided how sternly to lean into the job of social equilibrium.

Even now at 10, he tended to be a man of his own ways and attitudes. Because of this, confederates gravitated to him without being summoned. He had a natural diffidence that required no organization. Girls would be a mystery for years. But, as for the other boys in his Cynthiana realm, they regarded Fred as the natural repository of reason and leadership.

The Watermelon Gang had no official hierarchy, but Fred Arthur was the titular commander. That was clear.

Besides Fred Arthur, there was Clarence Jarvis, Willard Oeth and John James Gengelbach. All were either 7 or 8 when they first noticed they were part of a gang, and the alliance would remain intact for another decade until high school graduation sent them spiraling into different orbits.

The triggering mechanism was that no child could live in the far southwest corner of Indiana in 1927 without succumbing to watermelons. Oh, how gorgeous and sweet they were. How indescribable. Between the Posey County of Cynthiana and adjacent Gibson County, there wasn’t a way to escape them, even if anyone had a hankering to escape them, and who in their right mind would want to do that?
Watermelons would be the proximate cause of Fred’s criminal enterprise.

Chapter 2

It’s difficult to imagine it now but “Posey County Watermelons” actually had made the place famous nationwide by 1927 for the value and the luxurious quality of its ripe, splendid, sumptuous melons. They were widely known to be remarkable and unique at a time when amazing agrarian feats were often hailed as a source of community pride.

But there was a problem. It was all a lie, or at least an uncorrected error. And as lies will, this one produced hard feelings.

Unearned victories are seldom happy victories and, this was a sullen triumph for Posey Countians, most of whom knew that the most famous of “Posey County Watermelons” weren’t actually grown in Posey County. Soil was just a smudge off  for perfection. Perfect melons were the product of perfect soil as much as perfect weather. And though Posey County could and did produce a fine crop of corn and more than passable melons, the joys of great melons were lost to them.

And it was a mighty hard bargain to accept.

The great, rich, sweet melons – the real humdingers – were all grown in adjacent Gibson County, a reality that spawned dyspeptic relations between the two populaces for a century. True, the watermelons were mostly shipped from Posey County because that’s where the Chicago & Eastern Illinois trains were, but it seemed revoltingly unappealing to be labeled as the “Watermelon Shipping Capital of the World.” Marketing is not truth. It’s the impression of truth. It was as if they had been labeled the “Tallest Sheet Metal Salesmen in Indiana.”

Gibson County never got credit for its crop. Not really. But it’s hard to untell the first lie, and no one was quite sure who told the lie or whether it had been misplaced marketing enthusiasm . It just got started, somehow. Posey County never found a way, or a valid reason, or the right moment, to correct the record.

So both counties experienced a low-grade pissiness that went public only at county fairs and Kiwanis inter-meetings. The blush of embarrassment seeped from county seat to county seat.

By the time everyone figured out the marketing mistake – or lie – was irreversible, the two counties metaphorically threw up their arms in surrender and just decided to ignore the whole mess.

Thus Posey County and Cynthiana lived with the indignity of the truth, and tried not to let anyone outside the county boundaries know of it.

But political intrigue aside, there was nothing ambivalent about the watermelons.

The fruit was so ubiquitous that a person could acquire a 30-pound example of the soaking sweet green-on-the-outside, red-innards fruit for a dime. Thousands of acres nearby were crawling with the vines, and each acre could produce 3,000 or so in a season.

Going into a field to pick the melons seemed, well, too much work under an unblinking Hoosier sun. Especially if you weren’t being paid to visit the field and work the dark, moist soil.

But paying for watermelons in Posey County was even worse, an unnecessarily complex transaction. Actually paying for watermelons? It was a prissy, citified ostentation. A dime was a lot of money for a juvenile gang member in 1927, and amounts that significant needed to be saved for important purchases like a basketball and sneakers. And it didn’t help that you would never steal a Posey County melon when one from Gibson County was available for the same effort.

Between the desire to avoid work and equally attractive “why-pay?” alternative, there was another choice, and this one was fun. Besides it was well known that melon producers wasted almost as many melons as they got to market and saving a watermelon from “being wasted” seemed a rather noble calling, at least to The Watermelon Gang. It was almost like a Crusade to save the Holy Land.

Cynthiana, which was not the center of anything in the universe that counted as far as Fred Arthur Rutter could tell, was at least on a truck route for area melon farmers.

It was an accident of bad civic planning. Some towns were planned. Others just happened. To reach the railhead 10 miles away in Poseyville, the trucks lurched through town at a crawl, turning three times on the hairpin street that dissected the heart of the “business district.” The “business district” consisted of two churches, one grocery store, one small hardware store, the Mason meeting hall, and a barbershop that advertised “free haircuts for your father if he’s older than 90.” That drew customers from around the county. A town of 400 doesn’t need many options from its “business district.”

No stop lights were required in downtown Cynthiana.

The Watermelon Gang, which meant primarily Fred, had scouted the truckers’ travels through town so precisely that they knew within five feet where the truck would slow to its slowest so the grinding gears would downshift before angling hard right past the Methodist church. But waylaying a truck in town was too great a risk.

Better to use the slight hill that marked the road’s passage past the old brick school that housed every child of educating age within the town. At this point, two willing lads would not have to throw the watermelons from the back of the flatbed truck; they would need only gently roll them like massive Easter eggs into the waiting arms of their two confederates running behind the vehicle.

The maneuver required a degree of athletic dexterity. Timing. Angles. Flexibility. And strength. This was teamwork at its best.

The take was always the same. They would do four, and no more.

Four gang members. Four watermelons.

They also knew to execute this maneuver only against commercial trucks, and not too often, thus maintaining the truckers’ illusion of random bad luck Commercial drivers would not stop the truck to leap from the cab and chase after the young thieves. Not their melons. The schedule yelped at them. Time was money and no drive-for-the-man’s-wages trucker had enough money to waste it on chasing delinquent boys. Farmers defending their own trucks would. And they would be angry.

Thus, the gang chose its targets with self-interested intelligence.

The Watermelon Gang was gentlemanly, almost courtly, in its thieving. Only enough for a delightful afternoon. Only enough for the gang. This wasn’t commerce. It was joyful subsistence criminality, and greed was regarded with a dim countenance.

The activity was regular enough in its occurrence that every few weeks or so during the summer, the constable would stop at the Rutter gingerbread house and dun John for the running tab. The tacit agreement implied that the farmers would get reimbursement and, if not, then there was always a family in town who needed bread or milk and had no means to acquire them.

In that place and time, small-town constables not only arrested drunks; they also looked out for children who had too little of their own.

While never having found quite the right moment that summer to thwart Fred’s budding life of crime, John knew it was unwise to leave this field untended. John knew his son well enough to anticipate he might become good at anything he enjoyed.

There was no benefit in Fred becoming too adept at thievery, however manageable and understandable its motives.

Pearl had finished the breakfast eggs that late August morning and had washed the dishes. The breeze played at the ruffled kitchen curtains. Lois was playing Bach on the upright in the parlor with her legs dangling under the piano bench. Walter had already left for school. Mom was outside watering her flowers.

John and Fred were untended at the table which was a rare and precious event.

“You know, son, there are better ways to get watermelons than by stealing them,” John said, as he bit into a slice of toast. He said it without tone or color much as he would announce that it seemed like it might rain later.

There came a loud, overwhelming, empty silence in the room, fueled by the engine of Fred’s shocked amazement. Caught! Caught like a rat in a trap.

“But….,” Fred started and then stopped himself. His mind leaped at lightning-bolt speed from dot to dot to dot and, by the time his brain reached the last dot, he knew that John knew. Yes, he definitely knew. Probably everything, because John tended to know everything worth knowing.

If that were true, Fred could not guess, even if his very life depended on it, how this moment possibly could end well for him. He had never been spanked or even been threatened with it, but Fred already knew that the most absolute rule of the universe was true, until it wasn’t true anymore. That’s why people are always surprised when bad things happen to them. And this might be one of those moments.

Fred’s mental calculations were humming faster than any computer that had not yet been invented.

But in less than a second, Fred announced with resignation, “Yes, I know.” Surrender. Sad, forlorn surrender. He looked as sad and repentant as he could, and neither were his best or most natural facial expressions. He was not even sure he could hold his face in this configuration long enough to withstand a laugh building somewhere deep in his diaphragm. But even Fred knew that if that laugh exploded out of him, all bets were off.

“Well, then” John continued, “if you really like watermelons that much, you could learn to grow your own, son. It’s not as though folks around here don’t know how. All it takes are seeds. And we have millions of them. I am sorta surprised you didn’t think of this yourself anyway. Aunt Ida over in Owensville has her own garden patch. I have plenty of friends all over the county who grow their own.”

“In fact,” John added for deeper dramatic evidence, “it might be some of theirs that you stole.”

The gaze between father and son lasted another eye-to-eye full tick of the clock. One of those seconds that seems immeasurably longer. Now what? Fred wondered. Now what, John wondered

In that gaze, Fred’s budding life of crime essentially ended, but not for reasons that normally apply to such career moves. Fred had never been much afraid of getting caught, because, at least in his own estimation, no one would have the skill to do that. He was athletic and talkative and smart, and frankly, there was not a tight spot he had encountered that could not be escaped by foot speed or fast talking.

The thought of getting caught had never been an impediment because Fred was a planner and organizer even at age 10 and getting caught was not in his current repertoire.

He had never been afraid of punishment and he was unburdened by guilt. As with John, Methodist theology passed easily over him without clinging to any spot. Stealing watermelons seemed a natural diversion that produced no real victims but very obvious beneficiaries.

But now he had run against a totally unexpected barrier.

He could not have known in advance what embarrassing his father would have done to his father or to him. This was the first time in his life he had even thought of such an event. And now that it had been thrust upon him, he was not feeling quite so emboldened by his escapades.

When John lectured his children – which was not often because there was Pearl who was enthusiastic to take that moral and spiritual role – he often did so as if were describing a third person who could have been himself, but not need to be for the story to have merit. He told stories. He described good and bad as a morality puppet show which was useful because John was not immune to his own rare anger, but he seldom let his children see it. It seemed an unmanly thing.

So, this was the tiny dramatic interlude to serve the function. He wanted them to do right but had never screamed at them, as far as Fred could remember.

Everybody’s dad screamed and turned beet-faced crimson and considered themselves lucky the fury did not lead to violence. Father’s everywhere used physical punishment to make their point. Except Fred’s dad. Fred’s friends marveled at that and were jealous.

So John was telling him gently but as directly as the times and cultural custom could afford that his dad would be hurt by such an embarrassment. Hurt in many ways, both obvious and also in less visible ways. He would be hurt by the fact of it, and because his son had caused the breech without thinking of the pain it might cause. “Do you think it’s important that your neighbors know you are trustworthy?” John said.

“That’s how a man comes to know what place he has in his town. People trust your, or they don’t.”

John was a rural mail carrier at a time when such a job was substantial and important. People looked with admiration at John’s steadfastness and reliability. Mail was not a convenience, any more than pure well water was a convenience. Communities are built on common necessities, and mail was necessary.

It was the one way Cynthiana’s streets and homes and people were fused together by a common language. The scribbles on those pages made a community. Books came in the mail. Bibles came to the Methodist rectory. Letters came from relatives in Owensville and Mackey and even the big city – Poseyville. Of course, there was the telephone, but each line was draped with at least 10 neighbors and a person might not bear her soul if there was a chance a neighbor might hear. The “partyline” lasted until television came along.

Men never trusted the telephone for personal talks. That’s why the Masonic Hall existed. But letters were private. Letters were intimate messages. Letters were important.

John was the bearer of those messages, an affable, generous, wise caretaker. John was the cement in a complex social adhesive.

Fred had never considered the idea of causing his father pain. And now that the thought blossomed in his heart, it was a shocking thing to him. An evil thing. It was a hurt that a son could not inflict without causing even more pain to himself. This was a family thing now.

“I’m sorry, dad,” Fred said at last. He looked steadfastly at John.
“I know, son,” John said.

Fred had learned very early that John seldom had these heart to heart discussions idly. John wanted the matter settled, and he didn’t wish to turn the event into continued difference of opinion. When John said, ”Are we done?” he meant it in the most literal way. He was not only asking if that were true; he was announcing that it was, and this was the last moment at which a “however” could be considered. Years later, Fred would repeat the conversational conjunction with the same effect.
And so, Fred would not do such a thing again. Fred actually was sorry even if his role as penitent was shaped by capture. At age 10, there is only so much deep philosophical sorrow a person can summon and Fred had just about tapped out his supply.
Not ever.

John had an intuitive sense of that but decided to refrain from more comment. No use embellishing on an event that had enough gristle to be a long-lasting mouthful.

Besides, the exchange had a useful finality to it. They would not even speak of it again for there was no reason. Everything worth saying had been said. Everything worth settling had been settled.

But life was turning more complex. And considerably more interesting.

Summer was coming to an end. The deep breath of Cynthiana’s trees sighed and tried to soak up as much sun as the dimming summer sun would allow.

Now Fred had to figure out how to grow watermelons. He could feel the rising sweat and aching muscles the decision would generate.

Fred seldom spoke before he had something to say.

“Son-of-a-BITCH,” he said quietly to himself.

How Eric Smoot ran into life

 

When Eric Smoot was 15, he literally found his stride.

But when Eric Smoot was a homeless 10 year old, he did not know what the stride was supposed to do for him, though it had to be better than the life that seemed to be his dubious partner. The streets surely would swallow him up. He would be lost as thousands of other kids on the fringe are lost.

His mom was a drug addict who hid out nights with Eric in an Evanston beauty salon where she worked. She would pretend to close up shop and then sneak back with Eric to hide from the cold.

But she was caught by child protection watchdogs. Before they arrived to take Eric, mom sent him to Gary, Ind., for a “better life” with an older sister. But he soon would have to leave there, too. More drugs.

That’s where Judy Jemison found him. She and her husband already had three kids and little left over for basic necessities. But Eric was her son’s best friend at Horace Mann High in Gary, and she made the roast beef stretch enough to feed everyone. She would be his permanent lifetime godmother. They squeezed everyone tighter into the little house. At last he was home.

Deep enough love can conquer even privation.

But then …

Yes, his story always turns. This is not a tale of relentless urban perdition and a lost kid with nothing but faith in God and a bright mind. There was more.

If you know Wilmette businessman and fitness guru Eric Smoot now, even his friends will say there stands a man who knows where he’s going, a man with joy in his soul.

He was a runner who found the right path and took it, literally one, long perfect stride at a time, to a better life.

By the time he stopped running for mentor Roosevelt Pulliam at Mann High, he had won the Indiana State high school mile championship three straight years. He ran into the state’s prep athlete Hall of Fame. Purdue snapped him up with a scholarship and he ran to be an All-America. He ran a 4:01 mile once, and there aren’t many people on the entire planet who can do that. “Mr. Pulliam taught me how to be a man. What it means to act like a man,” he says.

He ran to a degree, and then to a business career.

So he ran from a life that might have trapped him. He’s not running away from anything now. He reached out for the life he wanted, and grabbed it.

Once his business partnership, Redefined Fitness, had taken hold, he figured it was time to return an act of faith. He went back to Gary 10 years ago, back to Judy Jemison, who had worked at the Ark shelter for homeless, battered women and their children.

As she often did, Jemison showed him how to share.

He would give children at the Ark and Rainbow transition shelters the Christmas they would never have without him. So he asked customers and friends in Wilmette if they’d like to help. The Christmas week haul requires a multi-vehicle caravan and helper elves of all sizes to deliver $25,000 worth of presents. He fulfills every last item on dozens of kids’ wish lists. There was cash to help moms get back on their feet.

Every year since, the caravan has hit the Santa road. “That’s about $250,000 worth of presents in 10 years,” he says. “Not bad.” Every year he expands how many shelters he adopts.

His arrival signals nearly hysterical joy for those who don’t know he is coming. There are tears, sobs of joy really. There are deep, loving hugs and children happier than anyone ever remembers them being.

“This is for mom,” he’ll say to siblings as he sneaks money to their mom. “You kids got to take care of her because you only have one mom.”

That particularly rings true now. Smoot’s mom has been free of drugs for 15 years and he dotes on her. He is a man of open, unambiguous affections.

Smoot’s devotion to paying forward makes him sheepish sometimes because he knows it is he who gets the richest payback from those trips to Gary. He is giving himself the best Christmas present of all. “People in those shelters can lose everything, including their sense of dignity,” he says. “As for me, I’ve been blessed. Everything I went though made me who I am. I would not give up any of that.”

“People who know me will know how it makes me happy, joyful really, to see people being happy. It fulfills my soul. That’s what I do with the shelters. It’s how I work every day. Just make people happy every day. There aren’t many people who get to say that.”

His skill as a high-tech cross trainer and physical therapist has launched him to the top of the North Shore fitness pyramid. He’s trained many of the New Trier High girls who won the state cross country title. But he fixes bad backs for middle-age sedentaries with equal enthusiasm.

But he’s all but given up the running that took him to a new life. “I have two great kids with my partner Jennifer Miller. Eric is 2 and Maya who is a baby. Most of my running is chasing them around. But they are why I work so hard.”

Still, when you’ve been as gifted a runner as Smoot was, yielding to age and physics is a grudge match. “Trying to run a 4:00 mile would be too hard now,” he says with a laugh. “But I sort of like the idea of turning 40 which I will this year and maybe running a sub five-minute mile.”

Yes, it appeals to him. Smoot has decided to live a large, joyful life with large, joyful goals. That’s hardly a surprise. And even Smoot admits he has barely hit his stride.

 

 

 

 

The Peter Pan of Winnetka

By David Rutter

The Peter Pan of Pine Street is ensconced in a living room of muted greens and golds, taking questions as famed mythical literary characters should. He is ensconced because The Pan hardly ever just sits. Mortals sit. He’s stretched out regally and relaxed in faded jeans.
This, of course, is preposterous on its face.
It’s just Mike Leonard. And he can’t be Peter Pan, though if Peter were 63 years old, still had boyish curls and wire-rim glasses balanced on his surgically repaired nose, it’s what you’d expect him to look like.
Is that you, Peter?
“Hey, Cath,” he calls into the next room. “He wants to know if I’m famous.”
Cathy enters. She is tall and elegant and dark haired. She is the girl he fell for hopelessly when they were 12. He grew up just in time to marry her eight years later. He married well. They have been married for 40 years, and been together even longer when you count the days when he worked as a trash collector and lived in the Evanston YMCA. Even Pan needs to make a buck.
She remains amused by his resilient eccentricities and even more legendary foibles. She is The Wendy Girl to his Boy Peter.
“Famous? No, you’re not famous.”
“Am I a celebrity?” he asks. “He wants to know if I’m a celebrity, too.”
“No,” she says with some finality.
He turns and looks at his questioner. A small, almost imperceptible shrug. See? I told you so.
That doesn’t really answer the question. While he basks in his averageness because he finds comfort in camouflage, there is too much way-above-average about Leonard to be ignored. Sure, he’s a national TV star for NBC and has been for 30 years. He’s a best-selling author, master storyteller and the most famous customer of the Grand Food Store two blocks up the street. He owns a TV production company. Fine filigree on his life story.
But there is more which you’d sort of suspect is true even before meeting him. There is something subtly magical about him and the more doggedly he denies it, the more sure you are it’s true. It is too late to hide the truth. He has been found out. Unmasked.
Perhaps the large sprawling yard and white clapboard home with bright green shutters at 869 Pine Street in Winnetka is not Pan’s Neverland, but it’s a sound enough metaphor. It’s the place where Pan and his family play until the wee hours send them inside.
He’s spent his real life at real work as people will do in the real world. He’s learned how to be a great father, a title he may covet more than all the others combined. He’s a man of faith.
But he’s mastered playfulness as a necessary life skill. Yes, he’s learned how to play. Or maybe it’s that he’s ever forgotten how. Think that’s pedestrian? You’d think playing is like breathing. So how do you create a universe where playing well is the entire point? When was the last time you walked away from every care because you wanted to play? See how hard something so simple can be? This is a central if unannounced theme to his life. And everyone around him must play, too. It’s a rule. Such a small concept with such profound ripples.
He has captured the very best of perpetual childhood and will not let it go. It’s his real art. He devotes time and energy to making Neverland work.
Among his considerable gifts, it is magical.
You cannot visit him on Tuesday because that’s the day his grandchildren are delivered. He hoists them to his shoulders and off they go on a grand walking tour of downtown Winnetka. It’s their day.
His “Picture Show Park at the Pineyards” is the grandest whiffleball park in the western world. Has lights and fences and a mobile scoreboard. And “a luxury skybox” which on non-game days is the front porch. The park actually is the front yard at 869 Pine Street dressed up for a party.
The regular games are both fun and goofy because that’s what whiffleball is. The park’s grandiose name is a particular conceit of that goofiness. Leonard’s Picture Show Inc. theoretically paid $20 million for the naming rights, and the Pineyards derives from the natural geographical setting. Of course, no one paid anything for anything, except the lights and $700 for a scoreboard that he forgot to tell Cathy he was buying.
“Ka-ching, ka-ching,” she says with mock disapproval.
The whiffleball obsession was the natural evolutionary next step after the daily ritual of pitches and catches in the front yard with his children.
That was 15 years ago when his four children were, well, children. Now they are adults. But they still come to play in the front yard with their friends, and when the games extend into the darkness, he has installed lights. He was a father who would not surrender his children to time and worry and adulthood. You might not lure a 30-year old son home for a front-yard pitch and catch. But whiffleball combat with occasional celebrity players – Bob Costas of NBC for example? Any kid would be batty not to show up. Plus, there’s beer.
“It’s him tapping into his inner child which is readily accessible at all times,” says Cathy.
In 1989, Hasbro named a new G.I. Joe action figure “Scoop” in his honor. Mike Leonard, action war video correspondent. The action figure looked a lot more like Steve Austin on steroids than Mike Leonard who is fit and trim because he boxes and plays hockey, carries small children on his shoulders and plays a mean whiffleball. He claims to be 5-foot-10. Insists he is, actually. “Scoop” looked taller.
He also claims he’s just a guy doing the best he can with what he has.
But he also does what many of us wish we had done, but didn’t. This is the inner compass of Mike Leonard and there is nothing average in the slightest about it. He never lets his dreams go unpursued. He always does what he dreams. Some of those dreams are pips.
And when the moment calls for it, he flies. He soars. Higher than the clouds, and too far for loneliness to follow.
What did you expect? He’s Peter Pan.

***

Michael Leonard is a national TV star. That’s true factually, even if the details seem somewhat fuzzy. But he’s not trying to be Charlie Sheen. That sort of fame is a sordid derivation that forgets that some people are famous because they’ve earned the honor without particularly seeking it out. In fact, they’ve spent most of their lives trying not to be famous because personal ego irritates them. Ego always comes bearing massive luggage. So, Leonard doesn’t even want to be Tom Brokaw, mostly because there would not be time left for him to play with his kids and grandkids.
But who is this man, then, and how can you understand his place in the larger world? He does not seem to be the person he ought to be. He is a way-above-the-median guy who has lived on his dreams and turned them into a remarkable, stunningly real life. He seems slightly uneasy at the idea that he has built the life that almost anyone would have chosen had they sharp enough emotional tools and a large bucket of hope.
You might not recognize Mike Leonard’s face at first glance, although it’s a mug you are sure you should know. It’s familiar without being obvious. But there is almost no chance you haven’t run into him as a television commodity dozens of times over the years. You are just as likely to know the voice, or perhaps it’s the gentle but precise storytelling rhythm you’ll remember. He can blend in so effortlessly with the background of culture that he’s often more a chameleon troubadour.
He’s been the voice and face of the common American citizen on NBC, mostly the “Today” show where he’s held the job for 30 years. A thousand times his “Mike’s Corner” narratives have flickered to life in the morning. He’s captured American reality shorn of all pretenses five uninterrupted minutes at a time. Every state. Every week or so, he puts someone’s life on display before the “Today’s” audience of 6 million.
The husband standing at the kitchen sink with a cup of coffee as he peers into the window and thinks of his wife who died just before Christmas. The little Nebraska town refusing to forget the dozens of airmen who crashed to earth during terrible training tragedies when almost no one else would remember. The man whose real name is “Joe Blow.” MIke has explained his deep, irrational fear of fish – once wearing a football helmet to escape flying carp In the Illinois River. By his own admission he has cinematically milked the idea of the cicada’s 17-year life cycle for his entire life cycle.
His 1,000 monographs for “Today” all bear common hues. They find the smallest details about seemingly normal people, weave them together and leave you knowing that the littlest thing is almost always the biggest thing. You know the people in his stories without him announcing what the important detail is. He lets a silent moment speak. He holds up a mirror and tilts the edge so that reality is bent just enough so you see what is hidden.
It’s a skill very few people possess. It’s made him a comfortable living. “Maybe $300,000 a year,” he’s said, but then again he’s not really sure what he makes because he’s never seen a pay check or knows where the money goes. Cathy does all that. He has said with some apprehension: “If she gets hit by a bus on her walk this afternoon, I’m screwed.”
She announces quite matter of factly: “You’re too creative for a world of numbers. You should live in a world without numbers.”
“I do,” he says.
“And you have. That’s why you married me,” she adds.
He bought a new banjo for $2,000. That was his cut of the $1 million advance from Random House for his book five years ago. And maybe some jeans.
He and his camera have been at the Olympics. He and filmmaker daughter Kerry did the Golden Globes red carpet interviews where the celebrities came in succession to worry that his white socks and black tux did not quite strike the perfect sartorial chord. “Forgot my black ones,” he tells Eddie Murphy.
“Hey, it’s your thing. Take control of it,” Will Smith suggests. JaLo worries that Mike has a chipped tooth which he admits he’s put off getting repaired. Alec Baldwin gives him a sympathetic hug, recognizing that he is a visitor in an odd land and would benefit from the kindness of strangers.
Off to the side, Kerry, who is there for technical support but mostly to keep him out of trouble, is appropriately mortified.
White socks and a chipped tooth? Isn’t that a perfectly modulated nightmare a regular person has about facing movie stars? Yes, even his nightmares are ours. The piece is offhandedly and appealingly odd, the way Mike Leonard exists in his natural state.
No one at NBC tells him what to say or whom to interview. No one in power even tells him if the stories are good or not so good. They occasionally ask if he’d like to go to the Olympics, or maybe do Europe. But they don’t ask very often because only Mike Leonard decides where he goes and what he does. They just pay for it. That’s the deal he arranged decades ago, and subsequent NBC executives have found no cause to change the arrangement. If he says yes on the rare times when they ask, then he goes.
He didn’t get started in the business until age 30 and came to the profession without any official training. There was only an entire life of making home movies, an avocation bestowed on him by his father. He was so good for NBC in Chicago that the “call” eventually came. Come to LA, my boy, and be the biggest star you have ever imagined.
No thanks, he said. He was not trading in his kids or wife for that. He would not trade the time he wanted to have with them. And even now, he knows that would have been the price. It’s always the price. “For some people, being on the air is their oxygen,” he says. “It’s not for me.”
Leonard never enters award contests, because being on national television seems to be enough of an award. So he has no Emmys though he probably should. Anyway, he believes Emmys should go to technicians and cameramen. So, the network leaves him alone. He also leaves the network alone although he insists they’re all swell folks. “I’d walked past 30 Rock lots of times, but I just never went in,” he says.
He did visit last year on the occasion of his 1,000th episode. He was treated as royalty should be. Then he walked out of the door and away from the lights.
No one else in network news – no one – has such an arrangement.
What did you expect? He’s Pan.

****

Mike Leonard is accustomed to being interviewed because he’s not a hermit. He’s just unusual. If someone asks to sit down for a chat, he obliges. Talking is his life even when he’s not in front of a camera.
So the record of Mike Leonard’s life is resplendent and voluminous. He has a dozen official biographies all more or less the same and filled with similar stories.
But then there’s this autobiographical description from Camp Jinx, an internet side drawer to his Picture Show, Inc., the TV production company he created to give him total control over his creations, all of which he, and not the network, owns. And also give his children the media/money/total fun jobs where they could express the family penchant for zaniness as freely as he has. Camp Jinx is the personal video record of all things Leonardian.
So Mike Leonard said this about Mike Leonard five years ago: “I just wrote a book called “The Ride of Our Lives – Roadside Lessons of an American Family” which means that I’m an author, although Kerry insists on calling me an “authoress.”
“The author title came late in life because the reason to write a book came late in life. Out of the blue, I decided to take my elderly/crazy parents on a month-long RV trip. The home videos from that journey were turned into a four-part Today show series (my main job – feature reporter NBC News- twenty-five years and counting) and that led to an offer to write a book.
“I did.
“Ballantine/Random House is the publisher.
“Disney bought the movie rights.
“Ernest Borgnine will play me.
“That last line was a joke. Ernest Borgnine will play Kerry.
“That was a joke too.
“Now we’re even on the “authoress” slam.
“I sired Matt, Megan, Kerry and Brendan. Oh, and a wolf pup somewhere near Ely. Minnesota. It was cold. I was lonely. Life is gray. Or is it grey? I think you can use either one which proves that life really is gray. Or grey.
“Cathy is my wife. We met in seventh grade. She was my teacher. Actually, she wasn’t my teacher but she was at least a foot taller than me at the time. Let’s hear it for human growth hormones. Or late bloomers. That’s what I am…a late bloomer. I made my hockey debut as a sixteen-year-old and then played at Providence College for a young coach named Lou Lamoriello. He went on to win three Stanley Cups as the GM of the New Jersey Devils. I got into TV at the age of thirty, turning a home movie-making hobby into a job. NBC News hired me a year and a half later and off I went to work for Today. At the age of fifty -eight I became a first time author. Perhaps I will someday become an astronaut. Or a Huguenot. I don’t know what a Huguenot is because I’m a dumb-ass when it comes to academics. Five years in high school. Less than 800-combined on the SAT’s. That’s the truth.
“And that’s enough about me.”
Ah, yes, the trip and the book.
The book became an instant national best seller, sealed his family’s financial safety forever and likely will become a Disney movie from which no one can escape. Jane Dystel, an agent, had nudged him for decades to write a book, and when he told her what it might be, she knew something big was afoot. Within a week of the outline being hawked among major publishers, they were camped out begging for it. Before the agent launched an auction for the property, Random House jumped in and offered $1 million to send the other literary suitors away.
The Disney deal is in the neighborhood of $118,000 to start, which is a good neighborhood to live in. If the movie ever gets made, it’s another $800,000 or so.
But he hadn’t taken the trip to justify a book. He hadn’t even thought of a book. He hadn’t even thought of the trip until he dreamed it one night and awoke with that look on his face that Cathy always dreads.
Yes, it all made so much sense the way crazy dreams do when you first awake from them. In order to assuage my guilt for not being as attentive a son as I wanted to be, I load up mom and dad and all the kids in a Winnebago – no, two RVs! – and we take Jack and Marge on a grand your of the country while we still can. Sure, it will cost us $20,000 or so, and the kids will have to shut down the production company for five weeks. And sure we don’t know a thing about driving big-as-a-battleship RVs across the country, but it will be totally swell. And besides, things have been tough for Jack and Marge (the kids call her Moose and him Spoose). Life has an expiration date on it, you know. If this is ever going to happen, it has to happen now.
This wasn’t an NBC-paid excursion, either. They didn’t have a clue what Mike was up to, except that it appeared to be nuts. This was a 100 percent Mike Leonard production. Naturally, because it’s the Leonardian way, the entire episode would be videoed as a permanent testament. The resulting multi-part series became the most beloved work he’d ever done for NBC. Strangers still stop on the street and ask how his parents are.
And, thus, on Jan. 27, 2004, the mini fleet, led from the Phoenix harbor by Mike in his USS Fiasco, set sail down the highway from Arizona. They rolled over the back roads. Visited bayous and campgrounds and had, by what anyone would call, the grandest times of their lives. It was a century’s worth of one family taking account of itself.
Leonard knew the entire episode might end badly. His mother is a brutally frank backseat driver, and Mike threatened to drop her off at the nearest airport several times. Also, she cusses with practiced ease.
As he said in the book: “My dad ex¬pects the world to work the way it should. He bought into this life believing the sales pitch that all people were made to be good but then he tears open the package, rips away the bubble wrap, and finds another con artist ready to take him to the cleaners. And it still shocks him. Every single time. “
“My mom, on the other hand, would’ve been looking out the win¬dow and checking her watch wondering why the crook was late. By her calculations the per capita number of creeps and jackasses on the planet is the highest in recorded history, and most of them seem to be in possession of my father’s address and phone number. To deal with that distressing situation and to cope with all the other kinds of in¬evitabilities, including but not limited to horrible diseases, fiery high¬way collisions, plane crashes, killer bees, and Charles Manson–like home invaders, my mother has developed a philosophy that she calls stinkin’ thinkin’. By assuming that all of life’s encounters will stink, my mother has managed to stay even keeled when in fact things do end up stinking. When they don’t stink she’s pleasantly surprised.”
Now it is five years later. Jack is 94, Marge is 89 and they’re doing quite nicely in their Lake Michigan condo.
Life has settled into comfortable rhythms at 869 Pine Street awaiting whatever is next. Leonard does not know if the NBC gig will go on forever, but he has secret plans for something. As time ripens the inspiration, it will come to him when he is ready. He’ll awake some night, and it will all make perfect sense. His eyes dance at the idea.
Some great adventure to be sure. With drama. And heroes. With swordfights and pirates. And massive fun. Whatever his plan is, it definitely will be the greatest game ever played.
What did you expect? He is, after all, Pan.

Where is DennySmall?

A month after spree killer Melvin Keeling shot himself in the head, police found him in Gary.

He stayed real still for an entire month, because, you know, he was dead all the time.

And dead fugitives tend not to move around much.

You’d think this would help the police find him. Guess not.

Detectives suspected he was dead during their intensive fugitive search all over Gary, but this intuitive insight still didn’t help them much.

Thus, Keeling defied the best efforts of the FBI, local police, corpse-sniffing dogs and the less well-trained live-person sniffing dogs, heat-seeking choppers, and Dog the Cable TV Bounty Hunter.

It took a 15-year-old high school student on her way home from school to catch the odor from the nearby thicket and call for backup.

As far as we know, she was not accompanied by a corpse-sniffing dog at the time and did it more or less on her own.

We have no way of assessing with scientific accuracy how hard it is to find a dead person.

But it all kind of makes you wonder how hard anyone was looking.
Since Keeling killed three people for no particular reason enroute to his demise in Gary, we don’t feel required to worry about his mental state.

But I know one thing for sure.

If Denny Small had been out there looking, Keeling would have been found a lot earlier, though Keeling wouldn’t have reacted with any more surprise than he did because, you know, he was dead.

Really dead.

But even if he could have moved, Denny Small would have found him.

Denny Small was the greatest finder of missing persons who ever lived, though most of them weren’t missing anymore than Keeling was missing.

He wasn’t hiding so much as he was dead.

Well, Denny Small was the King O’Supreme of Kick the Can on Old State Road, City of Evansville, County of Vanderburgh, State of Indiana.

He was the King of Hiders and the Prince of Finders.

We thought he was part praying mantis because he could hide right in front of you and never move a corpuscle. He was invisible.

You could not escape him, though our neighborhood Kick the Can games usually went on for hours into the darkness of summer and covered 10 homesteads, and cornfields, too.

This was not Kick the Can for amateurs. This was the Bigs. The Show. Thirty or so players.

But Denny Small was our leader. He was always a hider and never a protector of the you’re-home-free-if-you-can kick-the-can because no one could ever find him if he chose to remain hidden, and he likewise could find you with absolutely no trouble.

We found out later it wasn’t all feral sneakiness. He occasionally would slip inside his house for a extended bathroom break which was against the rules.

Being a hider was the preferred position. Those of us who were either too slow or had our genetic material scooped from the shallow end of the gene pool had to be the chasers and seekers.

Denny Small was a little odd, a fact which we committed to permanence by always calling him Denny Small. It was never Dennis. Or Denny. Or Small.

It was always one word, DennySmall, as in “Where, the hell is DennySmall?!”

I don’t know where Denny Small is now, but I sure hope he’s still alive.

Because if he’s dead, we’ll never find him.

An anniversary not to be celebrated

Anniversaries dominate your life as you get older, which is, I
suppose, an inevitable result of general decrepitude.

One of my important anniversaries occurred this last week, and I
thought long and intently about it, more than I have done in the past and maybe more than I should.

This is the one anniversary that feels more like unfinished business
than a milestone.

We all have events we can’t shake. This is mine.

On Dec. 13, 1977, many of the people I knew most well and cared about most deeply died in a massive fireball just off the end of an airport runway in Evansville, Ind.

Fourteen were basketball players for the University of Evansville and
the rest were the official family of the team, plus a few crew members of an aging DC-3 that burst into flames and crushed a
town’s soul.

I still believe I should have been on that plane that night. Believe
down to the core of my heart. But we all receive good luck we
don’t deserve and bad luck we probably do deserve. So, maybe
everything works out exactly as it ought to.

Perhaps it is only cosmic vanity, but there is no good reason other
than random fate that steered me away from it. Perhaps we all are
handed such detours in life, but never recognize them.

In those days, I had been the beat reporter who covered the Aces for some years and only months before had been asked to be the news editor of the paper. Though it was more money, more prestige and more responsibility, taking the new job was a tough call because I had to give up the Aces.

I would give up all the night flights back from jeweled basketball
palaces, for even as a “college division” team, the Aces played a national schedule though in a quaint, hometown way.

Athletic Business Manager Bob Hudson saved meal money by serving
chicken box lunches on the charter flights. There were no Nike
contracts or loitering pro agents for this family.

But it was a joyous life. Peter Pan could have been a sportswriter.

The team and the people who adored it – most of
Evansville’s 140,000 citizens – were a family and I was
a chronicler of that family’s history. To give up that was not
an easy choice.

But even Peter Pan has to grow up; so I accepted the job because it was the responsible thing to do.

I grew up even more on Dec. 13. Aside from the days my parents passed away, it was the hardest day of my life.

Of course, I wasn’t the only one who easily could have been on
the plane that blustery, awful, hateful night, but wasn’t.

Jerry Sloan could have been sitting next to me in that old DC-3.

He was the greatest player the school ever produced and later one of the Chicago Bulls’ early stars. Sloan had taken the head
coaching job there for a week that summer, but had second thoughts and decided to stay in the professional ranks.

Sloan coached his 1,000th game in the NBA this week. And I turned out the 10,000th newspaper of my career, give or take a few.

I remain unsure why anyone deserves to survive when others
don’t.

The logic of life and death eludes me, befuddles me.

That’s the one thing that getting older doesn’t improve.

Don’t wait to apologize

Every person in my family who managed to get old was a coot.
They were obstreperous, skinflinty, obnoxious, pains in the gluteus maximus.

The usually smoked — unfiltered Marlboros just to show they’d do what they darned-well pleased — and imbibed enough to make embalming redundant.

Yep, that was mom, all right.

All of the kin, in fact.

It wasn’t all their faults because, let’s face it, advancing years can make your spleen scream for mercy. Old age can be downright repugnant, regardless of how nobly you began the journey of existence.

It’s not the legs that go first. It’s usually the dignity.

At some point — let’s say 80 for a useful milestone — it becomes someone else’s job to guarantee that dignity. Very old grownups have earned deference if nothing else.

But without anyone firing a warning shot, old age transforms you into an interesting pet to be herded, controlled, directed and managed.

You’re a “unit” in the “defined population.” That starts when you’re 5 in kindergarten and lasts until age 18. Then there are seven or so decades when no one much cares what you do as long as it doesn’t involve armed robbery.

That is why despite any evidence officials have presented, they were wrong to banish the Kitchen Kut-Ups band from the Banta Center in Valparaiso recently. As wrong as they can be. Goofy, wicked wrong.

Banta apparently has been turned into the Benta Outta Shape Center.

The quality of the music being performed was not the issue. Music issued from homemade instruments like Edna Bell’s stump fiddle zigaboom is to real music what a large cat being strangled is to singing.

In fact, it’s almost better when it’s really bad. Really old people playing really bad music with enthusiasm is quaint and charming and, at least for the moment, keeps them from complaining.

Griping is what old people do. It’s their job. It’s what makes their sun shine and their daffodils grow.

I’m foursquare behind the geezer brigade on this one, and I use the term with warm affection.

In what seems to be the Perfect Idiotic Storm swirling inside very small teapot, the band ran afoul of officials because they asked patrons of their concerts for gas money.

They did what we expected experienced grownups to do: stand up for their rights.

The eight were told to take their act elsewhere, as if abiding the bunch for a year or so might not have resolved the dispute.

Octagenerians don’t normally make long-term musical career plans. They’re 80, ya know? They need the energy for other things, like keeping their dentures from falling out of their mouths and onto the floor during the adagio.

After all, how much harm can eight old people do even if they were trying?

Nonetheless, one of Valparaiso’s less-pleasant community attributes flared.

Sometimes, for reasons that never make much sense, that little town with the Lake Woebegone face shows a “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” heart.

Knock-knock. Who’s there? It’s Nurse Ratchet. Against the wall, old lady. Vee haf rules!

As for my relatives, most are gone now, including dad who played oversized, silver table spoons with rapturous glee and syncopated glory. I wish I could tell him now how much fun I had listening to that rattling silverware.

I should have paid more attention.

That’s the problem with being mean to old people. Eventually you run out of time to say I’m sorry.

Who was Cindy Law?

We all are ruled by expectations. We must live up to the life we are granted, salute its orders, march to its cadence.

We must work hard enough to be seen as hard working.

We must smile enough to be seen as happy.

We must be quiet at all the appropriate times, so we are considered thoughtful.

We must know enough of the right answers so people think us smart, otherwise we might be unworthy of their friendship and respect.

If there is a way to live so that what others want of us is irrelevant or inconsequential, we have too few instructional handbooks.

Who gets to make up those rules, anyway?

We are so often ruled by what others demand of us that it is all but impossible to know what truly shapes a person.

So, there is no way I can say for sure what drove Cindi Law to be the person she was.

Or what sort of a person she was before that day 11 years ago when doctors told her she had cancerous melanomas.

She did fight that vile curse. Oh, lordy, how she did fight it.

But on Sunday last, it killed her.

She was a co-worker, a friend. She was a person you’d have liked to have known. She laughed and smiled. She made being her friend easy.

But I never truly knew who Cindi Law was because the entire person I encountered was encased in that illness, that disgusting illness. And shaped by the inescapability of the death sentence it imposed.

So I’ll never really know who she was at age 10 or 20 or 30. Only the person she was forced to be for the last decade.

But there always was that look in her eye. It more than hinted she knew it was a fight she was not going to win. And rather than make herself seem some pitiful, angered wreck, she chose to take her medicine with an impish smile.

I wish she hadn’t done that somehow, because I was never sure she was doing it for herself or for all us us who counted her as a friend.

When she wasn’t around, we clucked to ourselves forlornly about the sadness of Cindi’s plight and how we wished we could do something to help, though that’s a cheaply bought empathy.

She wasn’t going to make it, and we knew it.

Though Cindi turned herself into a guinea pig for every experimental program on the horizon, there was nothing to be done.
Not really.

Nonetheless, she worked at not dying and made life as full as time allowed.

But if she was happy and peaceful on our account, I wish she hadn’t been. I wish she’d shaken her fists at whomever or whatever cosmic malevolence was responsible and been outraged and hostile and bitter.

She deserved to be. It would have been an honest, earned anger.

She died at 46 and had more life in her — even if the energy was synthesized for our comfort — than almost anyone I’d ever known.
Maybe her positive outlook was genuine. Or maybe she was afraid to reveal fear too openly. Too hesitant to be seen as scared and scarred, because we would have thought less of her for being undignified.

We loathe the indignity of death and hate being reminded of it.

Maybe she was posing for us because that’s what we expect of those who die slowly in front of our eyes.

We don’t want them to inflict that dreadful fear on us.

That is why I am most happy for Cindi right now.

Wherever she is, there are no more rules to obey or expectations she must meet.

Finally, all the pain is done.

She can just be who she was meant to be.

The perils and triumphs of Tonda

  We shall call her “Tonda” which is safe enough because the story deals with the stormy events of 40 years ago.  Also because that’s her real name.

   Tonda came to mind this week because there has been much unrest in the land of school administrators.

  It being the season of graduations, unleashed spring hormones and those sweat-holding gowns they force upon matriculators, the cause of decorum has taken a fearsome beating and schools are fighting back.

   To keep crowds under control (and after all isn’t that the true essence of public education?), some schools have denied diplomas because crowd members are hooting and hollering and generally behaving badly during the somber event.

  To be honest, I wish we encouraged more bad behavior at graduations. We don’t celebrate graduations so much as we survive them. We sit and sweat and strain unsuccessfully to hear speeches that we wouldn’t care about even if we could hear them.

   Considering the times, I suppose “Tonda” behaved badly, too. But she was lucky indeed to have stoutly devoted friends of which I was one. We all behaved badly, too.

    We were all in on the plot. We were rule breakers and malcontents, no doubt of that.

   “Tonda” was pregnant. Very pregnant.

   And it was a coin flip which would arrive first – her diploma or her baby. I was secretly hoping her water would break in a loud gush just as the superintendent proffered her scroll, and she thereupon would deliver right there on the carpet in front of God, the bishop, and 3,000 spectators.

  Now THAT would have been a defining life achievement.

  But mostly her cadre of conspirators was trying to hide her pregnancy. It had been well shielded by an old, gray, gaberdine Catholic school girl uniform. Hers was about six sizes too large for her, a fact which didn’t seem to set off any pregno-radar detection technology then operated by the Franciscan Order of nuns.

   In those days, Catholic school girls were regularly sent to Hell for having sex without the benefit of marriage, but her ever-more expanding midriff would get her banished in the last month of her senior year. And that seemed worse to us than Hell.

  The thought she might deliberately choose a uniform so large a hippopotamus could fit inside there with her apparently had not crossed the nuns’ minds.

  She so managed to sidestep the pregno-radar all spring.

  On graduation day, we took turns hustling her from one side of the staging area to the other and standing between her and the nuns. She’d always be the center of a multi-person gaggle, moving to and fro in perfect precision, like an odd-gaited but obsessed octopus.

  Several of us were assigned to keep the nuns distracted with totally pointless conversations. I was especially good at that.

  As her name was called, she strode to the podium. Actually we all knew she was waddling ponderously, but she made it and turned regally to signal to the crowd with her diploma held high. We gave her and ourselves a metaphorical high-five salute in return. We cheered the cheer of the righteous.

  Two weeks later her son was born.

  We all thought of ourselves as his unofficial aunts and uncles.

  I have always considered that day of disobedience, disrespect and disregard for the official rules to be among my proudest.

  In fact, it was, as it should have been, my first day as a real adult. I have seldom had as fine a day since.

 

 

 

Don’t look in her trunk

 

What’s in your car trunk?

I have a spare tire, a jack and a few boxes.

Margaret, a friend of mine, keeps her ex-husband in the trunk.

He’s dead.

He’s in a small box.

The ashes don’t take up much space at all.

When she tells this information to friends, acquaintances and even total strangers, she gets a predictable response. They avert their glance and begin talking about something else. Or they turn and walk away, hoping Margaret isn’t following them.

I think this is what Margaret has in mind for her ex-husband, Tom, for whom she apparently had limited affection. He was just a plain ex-husband before he was a dead ex-husband.

Somehow, and I try not to pry too much, she was given the box containing his remains when he passed the veil some years ago and has kept him more or less safe in the trunk ever since. No one else seemed to want Tom; so Margaret held up her hand. These things happen.

Now, you might think that keeping your ex-husband’s ashes in your car trunk violates some state or federal law, or at least circumvents established protocols of etiquette.

 Apparently not.

 I think it’s one of those accepted societal norms that no one thinks to set down in an official code because you’d never suppose in a million years that someone would violate it.

  Sure, you’d assume that a mortician would tell a customer as a parting tidbit, “Oh, and by the way, don’t put your ex-husband in the car trunk. It’s not the way these things are done.”

  Apparently, no one gave this advice to Margaret and, knowing her as I do, she would not have paid much attention if someone had. Margaret plots her own path in this life.

   I have come to believe that Margaret, and I’m not giving her last name because I’m a gentleman, probably is not doing anything that has not been repeated thousands of times since cremation became trendy. While cremation settles those difficult logistical issues of normal terminal pomp, what you do with the ashes is a complication less obvious in its solutions.

  Mostly, the rules call for common sense, plus a dignity we would expect in such solemn moments.

  But what if you didn’t like the coot much when he was living and are stuck with him now? Margaret hints that she sure likes him a lot better now than she did when he was alive and much, much better than when they were married.

   Sometimes drastic measures are required before a couple comes to terms with their relationship.

   I have seen the box that holds Tom because Margaret brought to a party I attended and used it as a contest entry. She won the contest. The prize was a brace of tickets to Six Flags in Gurnee where she claimed to have taken Tom’s ashes for a roller coaster ride. A good time was had by all.

   Now that you understand Margaret and her ex-husband in the trunk, it’s probably a good moment to tell you about Ted, Margaret’s ex-father-in-law.

   He’s dead.

   His ashes are in Margaret’s trunk, too.

   Ted’s wife divided up his ashes at the appropriate juncture, that being shortly after he was dead, and handed them out to several devoted relatives. And Margaret, of course.

   Margaret sighs.

   If you have to ask, you’d probably never understand.